Such happiness, such sadness, such love

It is the strangest feeling - after all I felt when the very gods touched us, how little it seems to take to reduce me faith in my love to nothing. I cannot believe my lack of trust and fervently pray to my gods they may soothe my soul to know my true path.

My anxieties are all of my own making. I look back through my thoughts and journals now and see how scared, how in aew, how scared again and yet then how settled my mind has become.

Today was the first time my fears were recognised. The adventurer in question meant no harm I am sure, but entered into the area of heirs to the throne and queens - I genuinely recoiled - my dearest love cannot know this, but I did! And Shim - a noble and great adventurer said much to trouble my soul, but only so far as to realise the truth in what he said. A King may have consorts, but they do not mean wife - it was words to this affect. I was not at all upset by this - I thought I would be. But he spoke truth and I never have and never will presume a 'position'. The very word implies a seeking of some material thing. I love the King, my King, our King. It has not been easy to admit, even to my personal journals own pages, but I do. When we are together I fear being parted, when we are parted I fear our next time together may bring.... something neither of us want.

It seems hard even for my dearest family to accept our love - well, just as love. No marriage - it would not be right for my love is the King above all else. And perhaps to see the King in an attachment disturbs others.

For my part this day - my heart and very soul quakes within me - I dared to write to my King and to finally speak of love. Then questions in the inn and other things - all seemed to conspire against us, but I hold dear my kings parting gift to me and finger it tenderly and hope to wear it without fear of being accused of boasting in the future.

I commend my soul to my gods and by their leave and great gift, I commend and give my heart to My King, My Lord, My Dearest love, Deek.

Blessed am I!

To try to explain the overwhelming joy I feel is to be lacking in the skills to do it! My fears have been unfounded, my struggle with my inner self and my guilt for allowing my personal feelings to run over me in this way have come to nothing. For as soon as my King appeared in our land his messenger came to me - my King he calls me dearest love and our meeting was blessed and happy in a way I wish for all Valornians. We talked much - the King misconstrued my confusion as second thoughts - how to profess a love for a King, be he but a man underneath the finery. I dared to do it and I could sense his joy! It seems then that ou rlove is mutual and pure.

The final sign? Could it really be true? Even now I doubt it but had my dearest saw it too - as we sat there talking, lo! A mist came over the room and the gods were with us! A godly blessing bestowed upon us both leaving us breathless and full in mind and spirit! The King was lost for words - I have never seen him so, and the tears I shed were ones of pure joy. Our love, it seems, is blessed by the gods, there have been no reactions barely at all and any have been happy for us both. My brethren are full of happiness for me.

Two blessings from my gods, the love of this man that is called King and the love of the bosom of my family RoK is enough for me.

Simple Pleasure

Ah what joy is to be found in the simplest of things. The new adventurer understanding the land greater through aid given in communion with the common goal, a great hero of our land going into battle better prepared by the blessings you may give, and from the touch of the hand of the one you feel in union with.

After what I must confess was a brief parting, how my heart was glad to see my King. Earlier, Jakob and I had agreed on a joint mission into the tombs. Still I hope to find the illusive crystal to give me the final blessing I may currently learn. Jakob as a rogue was willing to help spawn them, and was confident in the fact that I would bestow what blessings the gods have had the goodness to bestow upon me and give healing when necessary. I remember the endless days in that musty air and I pray that our encounter has aided him to the trainer sooner. Jakob fought bravely and with a great resolution I admire tremendously. It was not to be my fortunate day in the tombs, for the only guardian we saw gave up a dull crystal. Jakob deserved this more than I and I was most glad to give it.

I was so pleased to see my dear Lord Dagobert - he has been such a true and loyal friend, and gives such good guidance and countenance. I confess I unburdened my fears concerning the new and purest love and companionship with my Lord the King. It still seems almost unreal that this marvellous thing can be unfolding around me and enveloping me in its goodness. As always he talked sense without emotion or pursuasion. My biggest fear is to cause unwanted attention upon the King - his soul bears such a heavy burden and his cares are great - to add to them would be torture and I would rather put myself away from him than cause him further worries. The big hearted Lord soon made me see sense and I almost feel now I have sinned against the King by trying to put doubt in the way of something that clearly affects us both most deeply. At least I know it does me. The call from the crier that our King was in the land threw me into such confusion! I knew instantly I must fly to his side, as I always would have done as his loyal subject - this I most fervently still am and will always remain so whatever may happen. But now it was so much more - my eyes hungered to fall upon his face. The face has become so dear to me it is etched in my mind wherever I go, but the joy from seeing it close is still a wonder to me. And yet I felt a terror. How would he treat me with his people around him..... would my own treatment of him seem awkward and stilted.... ah the gods blessed me with the most tender problems and whirl of emotions!

So to the inn I came and suddenly all care was set aside - barely had I shown my respect than he had come to me and lifted my hand to his and kissed it. Hie eys met mine in so silent and loving repsect, I knew at once I need not worry. All the while I see the man behind the King as I did then, I can endure any reaction from anyone.

Resting gently against him I felt a peace upon me that up until now only the gods have provided. It is different of course, less solemn perhaps - as a child feels when embraced by their father. As the evening wore on, I asked the leave of my King and said my farewells to walk a little before resting. I knew where I must surely head - to the Kings own garden to rest. And as my heart had desired, but I would not ask, for the people need the King and I understand that our time together cannot always be our own, he came to me. Blessed hour! That time has shown me that this is not a mere acquaintance, or affection, or even friendship and companionship. It is all of these of course, but something greater grows within my heart. I only pray that perhaps, one day, the same will be so for him. But I am content, nay overjoyed with what we have, and a lifetime is long!

A thing more wonderful and strange...

Life can be a very strange thing. The strangest thing in it surely is emotion. What control over it? None in truth. Ah many will say they can turn off feeling and never let it trouble them, or that they despise certain feelings - and yet when they arrive, we are powerless as if we were before the gods naked.

The hardest thing is to see pain - and there is so much of it caused by love. I have seen it yet again this day - one of my dearest guild sisters weeps for it, and the man she once did love shuts himself up cold and hard as his only defence.

Why then - when I have been touched before Valorn and when first I entered it and felt but a misty apparition of the real pain emotion can cause, would I allow emotion, feeling in? As I have said - we have no control.

My mood yesterday was bouyant and gods be praised full of determination to do their work and train. And yet as my absence from the land had been long, and my time in prayer almost as long, I allowed myself after a chat with dear friend Isoyami to indulge in a pleasant stroll through the forest and back to the inn. Sometimes to see ones friends and catch up on news, to rest the soul and spirit and nourish the body is as full as life should be! My dear brother Cyno had told me His Majesty, King Deek, was at the inn. Looking back I know now why I am drawn to his presence. Many others are I know.

As always, his Kingship was worn with grace and humility, as always he stood alone in a crowd. From his own lips we had heard how a King never has privacy. My brother passed me a note commenting that His Majesty seemed to have much to say to me - it made me blush. I told him to quiet - His Majesty is interested and notices all! Imagine a humble cleric's suprise to receive private notes from her King - the last he told me he desired to speak with me, but when I tried to respond that whatever he wished I would certainly do, he made it clear it was to be a matter for my choosing - I was not to speak with him if it were merely by command. It is hard to balance this - the King after all is the King! He returned then to his Castle telling me of his destination. My heart thumping I followed as quickly as I could to speak with my King. What does a girl think at such a thing? However he would not, does not wish it, a subject called to speak with her King will go - but more than duty, I wanted to. My footsteps grew quicker and my head raced with thoughts.

In that beautiful garden he sat me down and removed the crown - the man I saw before me and the realisation of many things crashed over me as a wave. For the King stood before me more as a man that my Monarch and I saw the man stripped of everything but himself. Almost like seeing him for the first time. His words I have imprinted in my mind - all was so surreal in a way - but the strangest thing - the confusion I felt. How could my King be saying he had feelings for me! I told him my past for fear it should bring him shame. He cared not. We talked much and now that I have had a day to think I know I feel for him as he intimated he felt for me.

There is no question of a joining - still the small part of me that sees the King would not expect it. He has spoken of those wanting wealth, power and title. I wish for none of this - the man is all I see.

I know this of what I feel:

Serve the King, love the man

Respect the land and the King, and especially the man

Honour the King, hold the man

Remember the man is King, but cherish the man

Speak only truth and honesty to King and man

I worry that Valornians will run away with the situation. I just know I am happy and trying to come to terms with things. He warns me there are those that may not wish me well - so be it. The gods will find my path for me and they will decide it. If it carries me in the arms of the King, I could not be more happy.

These feelings I do not wish to keep under control - they are sweet and pure and I cherish them, as I have come to do the man they call King.

Brief Encounters

My time in Valorn with the leisure to adventure seems brief just now. My clerical calling seems to have a new level of life, calling me as it does to the myriad of new adventurers entering the lands. It is how it should be - for what use the powers the gods have seen fit to bless me with if not to help others and bring a new generation to strength for the great battles ahead?

My guild sister Ildara seems to be so very happy in her new life with Crimin Wolfe. May the gods bless them for a good long time - so much seems torn asunder in Valorn presently, not least the lasting oath of marriage. It saddens me greatly, and perhaps makes me see it was the gods will that I should not have gone down that path at the earliest given opportunity. Young hearts are foolish - I have heard the poets say it often enough, and the minstrel sing of it. Mine has mended, although I can still feel the pain. I never though it could or would and so let this thought bring strength. With the help of the gods, all suffering is conquerable. This outpouring of emotion seen by the number of weddings presently occuring in Valorn does make me feel lonely it is true - memories of my distant past even before Valorn are brought up by it...... but my intended childhood marriage was but a contract, not a matter of love, so I shall pay it no mind. Having been to the temple in the desert and gained my profession, I now know true feeling, and depth of emotion. When I first arrived in Valorn I did not,and to have been married would have been folly. The gods saw fit it should not happen, and so I remain untouched.

*****************************

I have spent the morning disturbing the plateau snows and hunting for pelts while I try to gain experience for the trainer. It seems a long slow process now. The gods teach patience and i thank them for it. Never content though I passed beyond the plateau' sight into the canyon below. Venturing South I came across a Centaur Champion - the creature was strong and I feared him on sight! Using the gods blessings on myself I armed myself with faith and struck a blow - great damage it did to me, and I little to him. A few strokes into the fight I knew I must retreat and retreat I did to heal and think. My Lord Dagobert's words came to me 'Use your ring!'. As ever struck by my stupidity I gazed upon this wonderful thing and taking up my lance advanced again! The creature howled in pain and anger as the holy light bit through its defences, but a few more strokes and it was over for me. My legs were weak and I could not drag myself from its incessant onslaught and rain of blows. In just a few seconds I felt that strange detatchment from my body, the lack of all sensation and feeling - no air, no hot, no cold. No pain, no suffering - closer to my gods as they saw fit to reincarnate me once again.

I will go back to the plateau and down into the canyon - the beast is mine, however long it takes.

Gods Be Praised!

After everything that happened yesterday, when I thought the day had spilled enough light over me, the most monumentous thing yet - I was touched by the gods. In Dundee Inn a new adventurer received all the blessings I could muster, and I told him that I hoped he would re-consider his apparent non-belief as the gods themselves bestowed upon me the blessings he received. He ahd just stepped out of the door when lo! The great and mighty god Ben himself came upon us; the glowing forehead of all-knowledge radiating love and light around the room! And as he raised his eyes at the non-believers some knelt before him while all were in wonder at his presence. Then the very hand of the god himself blessed the assembly with a godly blessing. Even as the rush of power flowed through us, he affirmed his absolute greatness and left to hunt out unbelievers!

I could never have imagined when I attained my preofession as cleric, by the grace and help of my dear Lord Dagobert, that I would one day see one of the gods with my own eyes - and then to be touched by Him too..... it is still too wonderous to imagine. Did I dream it? yet I know I did not - for the power the blessing gave me tore my enemies in the tomb asunder and brought me even to the Mummified Scarab Pharoah's lair at the top of the tomb in the desert. Of course he was too strong - the foul stench of his evil weakening me even as I tried to breathe in his presence. In but a short time, I was dead and felt my soul reforming on Kilican, thanks to the gods and the good fresh air of the western beach.

Being touched by a god has changed me - I am sure of it. Can a soul ever be the same when the breather of the very essence of life itself has come upon them? It has filled me with a hunger - burning brightly within me - a hunger to see the gods again and to do all that I can for them and all in the land. It will gnaw away at me, leaving me desperate for that absolute joy once again. But I believe even this exquisite pain is sent by them to teach patience, and that if ever it should so happen again, it will be more fulfilling even than this time.

As I awoke today the memory of it filled me with new vigour and renewed fortitude and I trained with joy in my heart. Perhaps the gods touching has left a mark upon me, for I have already gained a further 2 gold and 1 orange crystal. I will again go to Branishor and should the blessings be duplicates, I will be as thankful as if they were the first blessings I had learned, for to be in that great temple again, in the presence of the gods in faith - it will be good.

The training has paid off - I have visited the trainer and advanced once again. I will go back now to the tomb and below - I will speak again with the shrouded witch and pass into the shadow of what I now know to be Cory's world thanks to my guild brother Purazon. Although the dread Roaming Hell Hounds may rip my flesh and tear my frail body assunder, they will not kill my will and desire to go further than I have in that realm.

I have much to look forward to, and much to be thankful for, and those Iwould commit to prayer. May my dear Fleur know happiness and true love with Ixon and may their coming union be more blessed; may Ergion feel he is among friends and shake off the shadow that darkens his soul; may the gods keep dear Dagobert and Sevine safe in the light and give Lady Irulaine peace and good fortune. May they bless Lanzerious and I when we depart for a joint trip to explore the mountain pass and may they give us all the strength to grow and fight Balthazaar.

A blessed day....


Revitalised by the grace of the gods my search for crystals and new blessings began anew this day and the gods were with me indeed. For some reason the guardians appeared in numerous numbers to try and send my soul spinning back to the new life monument it is tied to. Ever present and yet not as dangerous as once they were. For killing but six this day, I found the golden treasure twice, and orange once! Enough to give me the courage to visit the great temple at Branishor and have them decoded. Before this though, I wanted to go back and visit Dundee. Another golden crystal lay in my vault - three as good as two to an Elucidator!

Dundee holds a special place in my heart. Surely it does in all adventurers? This was the place when the travellers moved on that I found myself in. This first sight of the Valornians, the treasures, the blessings and enchantments, the beer. A myriad of colours and smells, sights and wonderments. And I dared to think... home? It seems so long ago now, although compared to many of my dear dear guild brethren I am but a newcomer. And my young self was right - it has become home. In a way perhaps that my old land never was. People think differently here - there is a calm acceptance of all comers from all creeds. Perhaps this is what makes Valorn so special; this unification and peace for a common goal. I had never seen it before. No matter that adventurers may not personally get along (and there is precious little of that), the common goal of fighting Balthazaar and the evil that scourges across Valorn and the surrounding lands unites them. Indeed the petty squabbles and foolish behaviour I have seen pales into insignificance as night fades to day when compared with the real purpose of living.

The ferry journies were uneventful as was the travel through the plains now that the creatures do not dare to attack me. How strange it seems that this is so when I spent so long in physical battle with them. I am sorry for younger adventurers to note that the pirates still seem to storm the south west beach - but where there are enemies, adventurers will come forth! By the gods it is so!

I never feel quite comfortable in the plains - desolate and featureless.

In Dundee I collected my crystal and managed at a sprint to reach Branishor before the great sea gates shut. The temple - ah that great sight. It fills my heart with great longing and fills my soul with the presence of the gods - the sun shining on its beauty - was there ever such a glorious sight? And entering those huge oak doors into that hushed reverent silence - all blessings and praise on those it honours! My prayers were silent and yet fervent and they were answered! Yea twice! Two blessings of Ben's Strength and Cory's Greater Protection - not only new, but powerful and full of the wonder of the gods! My joy is great and my thanks to the gods unmeasured!

It has been a long and unfruitful search for crystals til now - dozens and dozens of guardians yielding nothing but dull crystals - a relic of a past age, but with no light for this one. To gain three in one day.... could this ever happen again? I doubt it! And yet all things are by the gods will.....

This day would have been full enough if it had ended there, but upon returning to Dundee, The High King Deek The Powerful himself had chosen to visit the inn. Showing due deference is natural, but I have great pleasure in meeting my King - he has shown great kindness to me in the past and imparts kingly wisdom. He wears the royal mantel with compassion and without haughtiness.

This is surely shown by the number of adventurers who flock to be with him when word spreads of his presence. It was interesting to hear him talk this day of provacy - we all take it for granted and yet as he said - he is rarely alone. Solitude and ones own thoughts are surely necessary sometimes - to take stock, weigh things up, assess and make plans. How strange then that one of our most powerful inhabitants rarely gets the chance unless he stays within his castle walls. Indeed - we do not realise how lucky we are.

He showed his colours to me again this day by making what he called a 'small gife' to me of a crystalline shard. His generosity is overwhelming to me.

Many adventurers were in the inn - dear Fleur among them. I was anxious to see her after our last meeting - she did look happier. I still worry for her and have sought to meet with Dagobert as the guild psychologist, and indeed my friend, to talk it over with him. Her love was present also and all seemed well. So after a flurry of blessings - a great joy washes over me whenever I use them - I went to meet Dagobert in the guild hall. I wished I had not in truth - for apart from genuine care and cnocern, and indeed a sense of despair for the guild that Fleur has left us, what business any adventurers private business of mine.... none. That is the truth.

As to what tomorrow wil bring - the gods alone will guide it and I commend myself, my guild and my fellow Valornians into their safe care.

And so it begins.....

A child once was, a noble child of standing, truth and grace. Outcast she, through family deeds, and lost without a race. Travellers they who took her in and raised her as their own. Travellers they who saw the waste the evil sent on homes. Coming to a land at last seeing mountains, rivers and fire. Desert too and twisted earth - a land of many powers. And there the girl, once child, they knew, left them to remain. Her name was Vardian, Valorn the land, and this her home, the same.

The sea calms me as I watch it. It seems to want me to join it somehow - it whispers to my soul. As I muse on why I started my journal - finally - I must cite friends. The Minstrel Steelthunder enquired of me whether I wrote a journal. This made me wonder why I did not.

Kilican is a lonely Isle and as I train this solitude suits me. The air is cleaner here - that is one of the strange things that training has awarded me. Clean, fresh air after the foul stench of the sewers, the musty air of the farm, the corpse like stillness of the tomb and the cold, cold air that grips your throat in the mountains - the Western beach here is beautiful. The air good and clean. So as well as great gifts of healing and enchantment, the simple things are given by the gods also! I look to the mountains in the distance and steel myself to them later....

My time, as so many adventurers I have met, is spent seeking greater gain. Is this selfish? The question troubles me. As a cleric I revoked my noble title - indeed I became a cleric to serve my gods, my fellow Valornians, and to try and find a better way. And yet with the training I must do to attain this, I also seek my own greater glory. This conflict lives within me, but with the gods help I can stand it. And better myself I must in order to serve them better.

A strange start to a journal gentle reader, I will concur. But I am not ready to write historically of my life in Valorn - not yet.

So here we have today - where I am now. Perhaps something more